*cough*
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#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.