The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
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[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now