Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
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Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
I need better friends
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
jesus christ confetti not now
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?