My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
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I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.