*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
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*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
me working on my assignments ^-^
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent