Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
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If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?