I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
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DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Just a bush.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style