depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
You Might Also Like
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.