Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
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My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts