the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
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There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
we’re dead?
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up