I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
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[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
found my next D&D character name
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
I hate everything
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.