*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
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I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
So sick of all these stupid rules
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
This pepper has seen some shit
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us