There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
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[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
#parenting
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.