Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
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There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”