Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
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This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”