[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
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90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Self-cleaning conscience
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life