We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
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I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq