Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
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Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
The only equipped I am is ill.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.