My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
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It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
The only equipped I am is ill.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”