I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
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Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.