archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
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roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”