Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
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If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Whoa… oh I see lol
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.