Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
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“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
so weird how every mom was born today
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.