Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
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When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”