I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
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If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??