Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
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My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?