Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
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A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke