“you recording!?”
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*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.