[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
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I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie