These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
You Might Also Like
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Taliband
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.