Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
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I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Cndnsd Mlk
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut