someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
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Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
I don’t make the rules sorry
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
The photographer’s assistant
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
My beach vacation Google searches
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
What kind of a cult is this?
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.