Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
You Might Also Like
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.