If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
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I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life