doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
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My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
💻🤡
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.