I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
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Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Spotted in New Orleans.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.