The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
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*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-