[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
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Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner