by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
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What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Happy Star Wars day!
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Pot warmers of the day.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂