Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
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[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.