{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
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My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena