I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
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If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”