I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
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Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.