The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
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I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel