“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
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Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
me irl
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.