“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
You Might Also Like
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced