[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
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he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.