If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
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Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Me, flirting😏
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
#Caturday
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
cry laughing at this shit
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
This cat wants you to take your pills
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Why are bridges so flammable.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.