How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
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Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
this makes me so uncomfortable
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts: