Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
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Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Leaving the Barbers like
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
This is the one
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.